A satisfying sex life is the key to a healthy relationship. Open and honest communication about sex leads to stronger relationships and expands the boundaries for new intimate experiences. That’s why positive and comfortable sex talk between partners is so important.
However, even in terms of contemporary society, the subject of sex is still surrounded by numerous stereotypes. In particular, we’ve been conditioned to think that, on average, men have a higher sex drive than women. Or that we have to perceive our sexuality and own sexual needs as something shameful.
In such terms, it’s crucial to provide a safe and nonjudgemental environment where both you and your partner can have this important yet difficult conversation. Oftentimes it’s not that obvious how to talk to your partner about sex without causing significant anxiety or self-doubt in them. And how to know exactly when it’s the right moment to discuss sex with your partner?
Many people, even in long term relationship, are afraid to talk about sex, and bring up what they want, what sexual fantasies and sexual desires they have. Mainly because they don’t want to look vulnerable and are afraid of being rejected. In this article, we will try to settle your doubts, help to break down the walls of fear, and obtain greater sexual satisfaction.
Trust and intimacy built in serious relationships are crucial to establishing a safe space for discussion. If you want to talk with your long term partner about sex, try to put yourself in their shoes.
Make sure the context is right, and talk about sex with your partner in any neutral place except the bedroom. While talking about sex, keep your tone positive and curious, and remember that you’re trying to make a positive change for your shared pleasure, so there’s no place for judgment or criticism.
What to discuss with your long-term partner
Among the most important themes to discuss with your partner are family planning, birth control methods, sexual dysfunction, changes in libido, lack of intimacy (if you want more sex), or desire to try new sexual styles. There is a vast field of discussion and both partners have to feel good within it, making communication open and clear.
What to discuss about sex with your new partner
It’s also a good idea to start talking about intimacy and sex with your new partner in the early stages of a relationship. This will help you avoid communication boundaries in the future and overcome anxiety when talking about sex-related topics. Your first intimate conversation may be related to the subjects of contraception and consent. Give your partner some time to get to know you better and fully reveal themselves.
Health and safety
Also, if both you and your partner practice or have practiced unsafe sex, it’s important to discuss appropriate medical testing. Raising this issue is extremely difficult because it inevitably involves the questions of fidelity, especially in monogamous relationships.
However, the sexual health of everyone involved in sexual activities should remain the highest priority, so frank and open conversation should take place if you were engaged in sexual activity with someone except your significant other or if you personally have any suspicions about your partner.
How to talk with your partner if you don’t want sex?
The intensity of sex drive can change from time to time and depends on numerous factors. This issue is also important to discuss to make sure that you’re on the same wave as your partner.
Keep the conversation sensitive and honest while communicating your feelings. Remember that it’s okay when two people don’t align in their level of sexual needs. However, it’s definitely not okay to remain silent about it. Discussing sex while talking through your differences can help you understand these differences and properly address them.
Also, if you notice that certain problems with your libido don’t go away with time, consider letting your healthcare provider know about it. There could be many reasons for the problems with your sexual health, mainly related to your physical and mental health.
How to talk about your fantasies?
Remember that your partner isn’t a mind reader and it’s important to discuss with them what makes you feel aroused and desirable. Maybe you want to try new sexual practices like oral sex and BDSM or maybe you just want your partner to simply kiss your neck or whisper hot dirty things in your ear during sex more often.
Of course, the approach to the discussion in all these cases can be different, but all your expectations should be communicated gently and constructively in a safe space. At first, it may seem difficult and awkward, but with time, you’ll be rewarded with a more satisfying sex life filled with new ideas and experiments.
Strategies For a Good Sex Talk
It’s more likely to bring sexual satisfaction to your relationship if you and your partner have an honest conversation about your sexual needs and turn-ons. But how to have an open and honest conversation considering your partner’s feelings and your current sexual experience? Here are some important suggestions.
Don’t focus only on the aspects you lack in your sex lives, and don’t forget to emphasize the positive aspects you already have. If your partner does something you like, make sure to express it to them. Your partner is a living person who probably has their own insecurities and still wants to make you happy. Implement a positive and fun approach, and when you decide to introduce a new sexual desire, your partner will be more open to it.
Don’t rush things
Talk about sex slowly and see how your partner responds, observing their body language. There is no need to rush things, especially if you are in a long-term relationship. Make sure that you’re both feeling good and that it’s the right time for conversation. Find a neutral place and begin with your goal of feeling more connected with your partner.
If you’re sharing your fantasies, make sure to clearly deliver to your partner what role they play in it. Avoid blaming or criticism so your partner doesn’t feel excluded or threatened.
Honesty is a key to successful sex talk. Whether you want to talk about your fears and insecurities or discuss some positive aspects, you should always be frank and straightforward about your expectations. Share your thoughts regarding your sexual relationship and sexual experience, and make sure to help your partner feel emotionally safe enough to do the same.
When in doubt about how to properly start sex talk, consider watching relevant YouTube videos or listening to sex and relationship podcasts. There is a wide range of fun, free and useful material on the web on how to make sex with your partner more enjoyable. Optionally, find a good moment to suggest joint viewing and then discuss it together in your bedroom.
Seek Help When Needed
Alternatively, if you struggle to communicate with your partner about sex, consider going to couples sex therapy. A sex therapist will ask some basic questions and help you to address sexual problems and figure out healthy strategies to improve your sex life. If necessary, a sex therapist can also help you overcome the incompatibility of desires and suggest an appropriate solution.
If certain medical issues like erectile dysfunction affect your sexual experience, consider visiting a medical provider who will prescribe appropriate treatment.
A healthy sex life is a real gift and shouldn’t be taken for granted, so it’s never too late to initiate sex talk. Good sex requires difficult conversations between the partners and these conversations are necessary for all couples, at all stages of the relationship.
Conversations about sex aren’t a one-time event, and it’s something that both you and your partner should take part in on a regular basis to make your sex life more enjoyed and nurtured. Figure out what you want, listen carefully to your partner, be open and honest about your feelings, and lead with positivity and respect.
Talking about sex can make you feel awkward, but it’s totally normal for the partners to exchange their views on intimacy, pleasure, and desires. Explore what feels good for you in bed and share it with your partner and your sex life will sparkle with new colors!